I Didn't Know I Was Lost
by andromeda90
Summary: He stares out his window, looks at the moon. He almost feels a throbbing sensation by his hip; nothing is there. No mark, no name. A part of him is glad, that he has no reminder of his soulmate. He wishes that things went back to just being Clary and him. His heart actually lurches at the thought. He doesn't stop wishing for it. Jimon. Malec. Clace. Part 2 of SoulmateAU.


This was also suppose to be a drabble...it became a long drabble.

Simon was harder to write than Alec. This is in the same universe as my Malec, Wake Me Up When It's All Over. This is Simon's POV and how he deals with his soulmate. I like Soulmate AUs, I can't help it.

Do not own anything.  
Title also from Avicii's Wake Me Up.

* * *

**I Didn't Know I Was Lost**

* * *

Simon is born with the name of his soulmate engraved upon his skin. It is nothing, barely readable, but it is there. His parents coo at him and his sister pampers him in every shape and form. He doesn't have full memories of that, but he can recall the warmth and the love.

The deep baritone of his dad's voice, the soft, lulling singing voice of his mother, and the laughter of his sister…he remembers that.

For the longest time, he doesn't realize he has a mark on his hip. Doesn't know what it is for.

The mark stretches and forms into a name, readable once Simon is big enough. His parents never ask and his sister, well, she is his big sister and it's her job to know everything. She doesn't tell him what is says though, only that it is a name and that it is special.

_I have one too. Everyone is born with one and someone out there, was born with your name_.

Simon is awed at the thought that someone has his name on their body. He tries to think how that would look…..

He still doesn't understand why it is important. All that Simon knows if that everyone has one, and that the person is special. Simon can't wait to meet them!

And then he is six and he meets Clary.

She is beautiful, almost as beautiful as his mom and sister. He can't take his eyes of her, and for some reason, he feels a little bit warm.

But she doesn't have a birthmark and so he lies, tells her he doesn't have one either. For some reason, her sadness pains him and he has to do something to make it better.

He doesn't think about how it is wrong to lie, at that moment, he just acted. It is not until he is home, at dinner, that he knows he did wrong. Lying is wrong. But his dad smiles softly at him and his mom pats his head and presses a kiss to his forehead.

_That is sweet of you_.

They go along with it, never bringing up the mark and he stays Clary's friend.

It is a year later when Simon can fully read the name of his soulmate. He had been putting it off, had avoided looking at it, until now. He takes a deep breath and stares down at his hip, immediately making out the name.

_Jace Herondale_.

Simon feels elated and he wants to shout it to the world that he knows the name of his soulmate. He wants to tell everyone, but he can't, because this is private. He knows that this is private, only for his eyes….but his family can tell with the big grin on his face and the way his cheeks are flushed.

Clary eyes him but doesn't say anything, she just smiles and continues being his friend.

Simon looks forward to school, to see if there will be a Jace! He looks forward to having another friend, someone that will watch Star Wars with him and play with his Pokemon cards. Simon doesn't have many friends nor relatives his age, so he excitedly waits to meet Jace.

He is disappointed when there is no Jace in his classroom. He finds himself disappointed for the next four years, when there is no Jace in his life.

He stops looking out for Jace after that, figuring that Jace will show up whenever he shows up.

Meanwhile, he finds himself falling in love with Clary and he sometimes feels guilty, because his soulmate, but he can't help it if his heart speeds up when she smiles at him…..but he tries, he tries to not love her, but she is perfect to him.

And there is something about her, that pulls him to her and that makes the mark feel warm. He doesn't understand and there is no one he can ask, so he goes back and forth on his love and guilt.

He is ten years old when his parents begin to gently remind Simon about his soulmate and how Clary doesn't have a mark.

He doesn't like that.

But Rebecca ruffles his hair and tells him not to worry about it. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and holds him close. She is never embarrassed to be seen with her nerdy, little brother. She is always there and he loves her.

He asks her about her mark and she just laughs, never answering. Instead, she puts on Star Wars and they fall asleep, only to wake up late for school.

Simon is happy.

….

Simon is eleven when his father dies.

He sees the way his mother breaks; the way she crumbles under the loss. Her soulmate is gone, just like that, torn away from her. There is devastation in her voice, in the way the sobs wreck her body and Simon doesn't know what to do. He hugs her and Rebecca wraps her arms around the two of them. They don't cry as long as they are with their mother, spending days nursing her back.

At night, when their mother sleeps, with the help of sleeping pills, Simon sneaks into Rebecca's room. He cries, because he misses his father, because he shouldn't have left them. He cries because their mother has left them too.

Rebecca is there, she holds him, cries with him, whispering that they'll get through this. Mom will come back to them, you'll see.

He basks in the comfort that she gives him, keeping to himself how terrified he is of losing his soulmate. He doesn't know Jace, but Simon doesn't want to lose him. Simon doesn't want to lose anyone.

Seeing his mother break has made Simon hesitant over being with his soulmate. He doesn't want that, doesn't want to suffer like that, doesn't want someone else to suffer like that.

For once, he doesn't feel guilty when he sees Clary and feels love spread. It is better this way, loving her, she wouldn't crumble his world, not like his soulmate would.

He feels guilty, like he is using her, but he loves her. He would do anything for her, to see her smile…so how could it be wrong?

Rebecca packs him his lunch and takes him to school, giving him a kiss on the cheek and wishing him a good day at school. He knows she will be heading out to college soon, leaving him with his mom.

He tries to ignore it.

Clary is there at the entrance, waiting for him, and they laugh. She goes with him to band practice and banters with Eric. These are his friends and they are there for him.

They don't talk about their marks and Simon almost forgets it.

He lives his life and he is content, even if Clary never notices him like he wishes she would. He is ok.

Except, on certain nights , when the mark on his hip throbs ever so slightly.

Jace is not to be forgotten.

Thinking back, it figures Jace was being his asshole self even then.

…

His name is Jace. Simon doesn't know what to think about that, but he knows he doesn't like the blond, not with the way that Clary looks at him.

She looks at him the way he has always wanted her to look at him. When she is with him, she sees no one else and it hurts, not only because he loves her…but because he is supposed to be her best friend…..at least, he thought so.

He doesn't like this Jace, even if he sends his heart stuttering and his mark flares. This isn't the right Jace, it can't be the right Jace.

Simon knows it is stupid and that the mark doesn't lie, but Simon ignores it. Refuses to acknowledge it. He won't.

Instead, he rolls his eyes and snipes with the blond, standing by Clary's side. He is not going to leave her alone, no matter what Jace and the others think. He knows that they don't like him, a mundane, they call him, and Clary.

But Clary needs to find her mom and they are helping and so he helps too.

He notices the way that the blue eyed boy looks at Clary and at him. Suspicion and dislike, and he wonders if he is jealous. Simon understands jealousy, he feels it.

Isabelle, she is a beautiful and Simon thinks she would be his type. His mark is flaring and Clary is slipping away from him….he doesn't have time, but it doesn't stop him from stumbling over himself. He likes to think that in another world, he would have loved to have gone out with her.

Part of him thinks that maybe he should call his sister, talk to her, make sure that he is still sane and not imagining everything. Maybe he has finally lost his mind.

He doesn't expect to be turned into a rat.

…

Simon feels numb as he lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

The mark is still flaring, painfully so now. He is not sure that that is a normal thing, but he doesn't ask. Maybe it is a side effect of being turned into a rat, he tries not to think about the vampire blood. Tries not to think about the sudden wrongness that he feels under his skin.

But it is either that or the heartbreak of having the girl he has loved for years fall in love with someone else.

He wants to hate Jace, and in a way he does. but….he can't. Not fully and it only makes Simon that much more angry. He doesn't like being angry, he likes taking things as they come, go with the flow.

Simon remembers his mom, how broken she had been when his father passed away.

This is nothing like that, it hurts, but it isn't devastating…..

He doesn't know how to feel about that and for once, he feels like the teenager he really is…wanting to dramatize everything, or so his sister would tell him. She likes making fun of his little issues, she says, and how she remembers being in high school. Simon is sure she didn't have the issues he was having.

Now that he thinks about it, she never answered him about her mark.

Let it go, she would say, it'll be ok. Go home.

But he can't leave them, can't leave Clary, and part of him, no matter how much he denies it, can't let Jace go either.

Soulmates suck and in the van, as he drives them, he looks at Alec and he just knows.

Soulmates suck.

He wants to reach out and pat him on the shoulder, wants to tell him that hey, perhaps they should get some drinks later and bitch about sucky soulmates.

They are the only two there that know who their soulmates are. Actually, now that he thinks about it, do they know how Mundanes know the name of their soulmates? Simon is sure that they don't and that comes to a relief.

He glances at Alec again and he wonders if he should say something.

But he can't get the words out and he feels that it is too soon. What is the pain of soulmates when Clary is trying to find her mom? Besides, they are strangers, he is just a mundane.

He doesn't know and as he stays in the van, thinking about the last couple of days, he almost doesn't feel the tug in the bond. It is strange, something he never felt before.

It is like a string and he feels it, screaming and he just knows. He rushes out of the van, bow and arrow in hand. He doesn't realize what he has done, only watches as the demon shrivels up under the light.

Huh.

….

He doesn't know what happened to everyone, but he waits patiently, and then not so patiently.

Simon tries to come up with songs, tries to throw himself into practicing with the band, cooking, cleaning. His mom is happy about the cleaning and coming home to cooked meals.

Clary calls him a week later.

Everyone is ok.

He sags in relief, she is ok, Jace is ok, and the others are ok. Logically, he knows that if Jace had not made it, Simon would have felt it. He doesn't give that any more thought.

They meet up and she tells him what happened.

He wants to protest, wants to tell her that Jace cannot be her brother. His last name is Herondale. Simon wants to see Jace, talk to him, reach out to him, but he quickly shuts that down. He ignores it with everything he's got. No.

Not happening.

Besides, Simon can't get the words through his lips, they remain locked in his throat, and she thinks it is because he is still hurting. He knows that it is a bad idea, but…..being with her would never be a mistake.

Years from now, he would never regret her. Clary is something he cannot regret, no matter what happens.

So what if it hurts? He is sure that he'll go through worse in the future.

And by worse, he means that he is looking paler, that the sun hurts, that food tastes different. He doesn't tell anyone about, no need to worry Clary…and well….she is the only one who would care. Simon tries to not let that statement hurt….he doesn't succeed.

He thinks about it, wonders what to do, wonders who to ask. Is there anyone to ask?

Magnus?

It's funny because he ends up there anyways, and there is no way of asking him with everyone around. He glances at Jace, sees the worry on his face, the haunted look. The words stick in his throat, because how does he know it is the same Jace? What if he opens his mouth and he is wrong? Simon looks around the room instead.

It seems, on the bright side, that the blue eyed Shadowhunter is happy. Simon notices the way he sits next to Magnus and Simon figures it makes since. He is happy for Alec, because soulmates suck.

Jace and Isabelle don't look particularly happy with them, and part of him shouldn't feel so smug, but he feels it anyways. Part of him wants to say congratulations, because he understands the predicament Alec had been in before, and now he is finally complete.

That is call for celebration, finding your soulmate and completing the bond? That was worth any celebration.

None of that right now, but Simon makes a mental note.

Alec looks at him, and he is surprised to see sympathy, like he knows. Simon frowns but Alec nods and Simon….he takes the offered support. A silent one, but they knew about sucky soulmates, so Simon finds himself brightening.

If just for a bit, and he thinks, maybe Alec saw it coming. Maybe the world saw it coming.

If he is honest with himself, he saw it coming he just ignored it.

But it is hard to ignore when Clary and Jace kiss, when the two people that his heart yearns for want each other, it is hard. He can't admit to Jace being his mate, he can't but he is, no matter how much Simon denies it. Clary, he loves Clary and part of him always will and to watch them…knowing they want each other….and not Simon?

He ignores the whispers, the way the Queen shoots him a look, like she knows and of course she knows.

The Queen, he can hate. He does hate.

He can't run away from them fast enough.

The pull is too strong now and as he looks up at the starry sky, leaving everyone behind….he thinks about his sister and his mom.

No going back.

….

Coming back to life is painful, his lungs scream in pain, body surging with life again, hunger taking over. He knows nothing but hunger, the scent of blood calling him.

He can hear a voice but he ignores it, drinking until he's sick.

Part of him finds it hilarious that he is drinking blood, when all of his life he had been a vegetarian.

It isn't funny, but he can't stop laughing, or is he crying?

The strange pull he used to feel, is not there anymore, except for the softest of hums.

Raphael Santiago grins at him and Simon knows what the humming is, their bond. The bond between a Sire and a Childe.

The others look at him and he is now a monster and isn't that a laugh. No more Mundane here.

It is strange, looking at Clary, seeing her, but not feeling a pull. He still loves her, he knows that, but there is no pull. He looks at Jace, and something in him stirs, like he is missing something, and he winces at that.

For the first time, he fully wonders just how do Downworlders know who their soulmate is?

He thinks about his mom and about his sister.

He misses them.

…..

He likes Maia and he isn't mad, a little hurt, but he understands.

Simon is a vampire.

And as he finds himself dying a second time, he wonders if his soulmate had been anyone else, would his life turn out to be as much of a shit show as it was now?

As he lies dying, his blood pouring out from his wounds, he accepts it.

He accepts that Jace is a Herondale, that Jace is his soulmate, his other half. He admits to himself that he likes Jace, as much as the other annoys him. Maybe he would have liked to be friends with him. Simon admits it and he finds that as he begins to lose consciousness, that admitting everything had not been that bad.

There is something sweet and Simon feels fire course through his veins. He gasps and latches onto the fountain of life that is pouring into his mouth. It tastes like what he imagines heaven to taste like.

He pins the blond down and teeth sink into the other's neck, until finally his brain kicks in, realization settling in.

_I could have killed you._

_I would have let you. _

Simon doesn't what to hear that, ever.

_He isn't your dad_.

Simon doesn't know why he says that, but he needs Jace to know.

_Your last name is Herondale. Don't believe Valentine. You are a Herondale. _

Simon isn't sure if he is relieved or not that the boat suddenly bursts into chaos. He doesn't know if he did the right thing, but Jace had to know. He cannot deny who Jace is anymore, nothing will come of admitting it, but he cannot hide it either.

And it is funny, he thinks, as they make it out of the boat and the sun starts to rise, that he survived this far only for the sun to do him in.

How does a vampire survive sunlight? At least he'll see the sunrise one last time?

He stares out at the sky, watching it get lighter. He wonders what Jace is thinking right now, if he'll miss him. Wonders if he'll feel the pain his mother did? His family. He hopes they'll be ok and Clary….all of them.

He never got to congratulate Alec…..

…..

It is two days later when the pain hits him, causing him to let out a hollow scream. His back is on fire and he feels like he is being burnt alive. He wonders if this is how it feels when the sun hits vampires. Is he dying?

He doesn't know when the pain fades away, but he can't move for the next hour. He is a quivering mess on his bed and he remembers.

_It'll show up, on your back_.

He doesn't have to look at a mirror to know what is written on his back.

A wing is beautifully tattooed on his back, Jace's name under it in a beautiful script. Simon allows himself a soft smile, because Jace is still an annoying, egotistical jerk, but….Simon is a vampire so they are even, he figures.

He doesn't expect to see Jace there, the next day, waiting for him in the living room. He looks around, wondering just how Jace had broken in, but he doesn't see any broken window. Which is good because his mother would get home and be seriously pissed off.

_Let me see it_.

Simon knows what Jace wants to see, because he can see the rune on Jace's wrist.

_Not sure it would be proper with us not being married and all. I promised my mom I'll wait until after marriage_

Jace is not amused, at least he pretends not to be. He only shoots Simon another look and he finally relents.

Simon removes his shirt and turns around to show Jace the mark on his back. He hears Jace move to stand behind him, but he doesn't expect the feathery touch. He flinches away before holding still as Jace ran his finger over the wing.

_Mundanes are born knowing their mate's name_.

The accusation is clear. Simon doesn't know what to say to that. He doesn't know what Jace wants him to say…honestly, Simon didn't think Jace would want to know that his soulmate is Simon….

_You were a Wayland not a Herondale_.

It is an excuse and Simon is surprised that Jace doesn't snap at him, how Simon is smarter than that. The bond would have made it clear and it did, Simon just didn't admit it. He doesn't think right now is the right time to have that talk.

Jace is smart too so he doesn't push it, not yet.

But this doesn't change anything. Jace still doesn't like him and is going out with Clary. At least Simon is pretty sure that Jace and Clary would resume their relationship. Clary deserves to be happy, Simon wants the two of them to be happy.

Simon….loves Clary too, to an extent, he doesn't think that'll ever fade. She is his best friend. For some reason, that Simon hasn't figured out why, but he has a pull to her too. Not as strong as with Jace, but….there is a pull.

He relaxes into Jace's touch, as the blond keeps tracing his name on Simon's back. It is soothing.

Where do they go from here? What do they do now?

Simon moves away and puts his shirt back on, his mom would be home and he doesn't want to explain Jace.

_You have to go. _

_Come, we are meeting at Magnus'. _

Simon isn't sure he wants to, he finds himself tiring out from all of this Valentine thing. But Clary needs him, Jace needs him, and he thinks, well, maybe he could talk to Alec and Magnus.

It was also nice to get Isabelle riled up.

He really can't leave them, not now.

Besides, Simon was still avoiding his mom, afraid to tell her, afraid she'll figure it out that he was a monster now.

He grabs his jacket and heads out with Jace, rolling his eyes and ignoring the snarky comments.

But it is definitely surprised when Jace takes his hand, but it makes the bond hum happily so Simon lets him.

Simon is completely unsure of what will happen in the future, doesn't know what people will say, doesn't know how they will handle this. He doesn't know what he feels and what he wants.

But honestly, as he walks down the street, hand in hand with Jace, their bond strong and happy, Simon figures he'll just enjoy the moment for what it is.

* * *

The End

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I like Jimon, OTP after Malec, but I did not want to deny nor erase the Jace/Clary connection nor the fact that Simon and Clary are close.

Maybe I'll write a short snippet explaining what the bond between Clary and Jace is, because there is a bond between them. I also am thinking about what to do with Isabelle and Clary, make them soulmates or/and parabatai. Maybe even dwell into who Raphael's soulmate is? Probably something from Magnus POV in order to better understand Downworlders and how they get their soulmate's name. Who knows. I just hope you enjoyed this.


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